my so-called life

A.D.U.L.T.H.O.O.D.

2011-11-07T04:23:00.000-08:00

Quick update: I turned 18 last Friday...and whoa, is it weird.
I didn't feel like I was another year older, but I definitely felt old haha.
I thought about everything in my life that I can really vividly remember and it feels like it was a lifetime ago. I'm relieved, but still really weirded out by the whole thing.

Anyway, for my birthday, I will be getting a blue 2008 Ford Focus next weekend.
It's 35 MPG with less than 46, 500 miles on it. It seriously is so pretty and I cannot wait.
I also am getting a tattoo on the inner part of my left arm. Pictures will be posted.
For now, here is my car<3

New Year...finally.

2010-12-29T12:15:00.000-08:00

Sooo 2010 is almost over, thank GOD. This year has been filled with craziness and chaos. Eventful, but horrible. And to my relief the new year is rolling in rapidly. Most of the events, however, were not pointless. God definitely changed things to wake me up and open my eyes to so many things. I was just going down an awful spiral and didn't even know how bad it was because of the desensitization going on in my life. Not just with me, with everyone I surrounded myself with. Which it was probably much more noticeable to everyone else because I've always been such a passionate person, and all the sudden nothing affected me anymore. I realized that I have never wanted to be that girl that lives her life without a care in the world what happens to myself or the people I love...so why would I start now? It definitely was the opposite route I wanted my life to go in. So with God's help, my family's help, and my friend's help, I finally stopped. They were there the whole time just trying to make me see, and I'm sooo glad they were.

Now for a recap of all the crazy things that happened this year:
#1. partying.
#2. not eating.
#3. seeing the dark things in life, instead of the light shining through.
#4. my horrible grades and GPA. affected me in the long run :/
#5. practicing God's love and God's word, let alone sharing it.
#6. caring about superficial and material things.
#7. putting my own needs in front of others'...and in front of what I knew was right.
#8. holding onto soooo much anger and resentment.
#9. moving to Prunedale, Ca.
#10. putting my dog down when she was young and perfectly healthy.
#11. Dani leaving for college...man, oh man.
#12. not speaking to one of my favorite people for almost 3 months for silly reasons.
#13. the rift between me and my immediate family.
#14. my close cousin's dog dying about a week after Thanksgiving.
#15. their other dog dying while I was visiting for Christmas vacation on Christmas Eve.
(one of the WORST things I've ever seen)
#16. and though it is last, it's the thing that affected me the most...losing so many friends.

And all the good things:
#1. the fun I had, even though it ended up being worse than better.
#2. learning so many lessons.
#3. being able to live near my best friend for the first time in 16 years.
#4. finally being able to spend the night at her house!
#5. learning what love IS, and what it IS NOT.
#6. speaking my mind and ridding the bad friends of my life, even though I lost good ones too.
#7. getting closer with my brother and his girls. all I've wanted for the longest time.
#8. all the shows and Disneyland trips!!!
#9. staying active and keeping up my vegetarian diet! (it wasn't that easy!)
#10. and learning, in the end, to just be honest.

Wow...super eventful, but more bad than good.
Let's all hope for a MUCH better 2011.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

tattoo

2010-12-02T19:30:00.001-08:00

So I haven't posted it because my family didn't know, but now that it's out in the open: I GOT A TATTOO! For my 17th birthday I was surprised with a black bunny named JackieQ and...ink haha! Everyone either loves it or absolutely hates it. People have implied that it looks trashy, but I couldn't care less. I love it and I got it...nothing can be done about it now haha. It does have meaning, it's very personal and I don't really feel like spilling my guts on here, but I will say that basically, my heart is on lockdown. I put thought into it and it really means a lot to me and I love my little tattoo. I was suuper happy to get it and there's no reason I should be upset or anything but completely pleased with it. This photo is black and white, but the color is so vibrant and pretty. The lock is blue and the outline around the lock hole is red and yellow and it looks pretty antique, and the key is gold...of course haha. And yes, there is more detail than from what you can see in this picture. I do plan on getting more, but not until I'm 18 and can pay for a really nice one. So...just wanted to kinda announce these news! I'm super stoked on it :D

another year, another box.

2010-06-20T14:25:00.000-07:00

Since my last entry, a lot has gone down. My boyfriend broke up with me, I've lost many friends, prom passed and finals week is well on it's way. Another big change...we're moving again.
My mom accepted the job offer at her old hospital in Salinas because they pay more for a reasonable amount of work. She dropped the news on me about 3 weeks ago when she got home from work and told me we're going to be living in Carmel Valley by August.

I get out of school this coming wednesday, June 23rd.
I was informed last week that I'd be attending Carmel Valley High...on August 11th.

Am I overreacting, or does that not suck? Seriously.
Everyone else in high school gets a 3 month vacation...I get less than ONE.

So I weighed out the pros and cons of moving up there and had a long talk with my best friends about. There are waaay more pros to living up there...but it doesn't urge me to want to be up there at all. In fact, it makes it worse. All of the things I could think of... the shows, the beaches, the theme parks...all of it is way better down here. Not to mention this is where I actually know people. It should be exciting and I should tell myself that this is my chance to start my life over and reinvent myself as a person...but it doesn't make it any easier.

The one year I finally get to live close to my best friend of 15 years, I have to move again. While I am so greatful for this year, it's harder now than it was in past years. That was what I was used to, so being away was normal. But now, we've gotten closer than ever and it almost feels like I was never hours and hours away for the majority of our friendship. It makes it so hard to leave and have to let go of this amazingly fun, eventful year we got to spend together. And to top it all off, Dani is graduating on Wednesday, and while she'll be with me until August 28th, she's going to Life Pacific College in San Dimas. So, while yes, I am used to moving...I'm not used to lving without my sister. My best friend. Any time I've been "home alone" or walking around town when no one could hang out, I had Dani. Now I actually WILL be alone. And it is the worst, scariest feeling I've ever had. I do not know what to do or how to handle this. I feel every emotion possible, yet I've been trying to keep all emotion out of it so I can just be logical and get over it since there is nothing I can do. Now that it's just around the corner...it's the only thing I think about and I can't help but get major anxiety. I'm praying for God to give me peace and let me know everything will be fine and lay it all at his feet, but I'm terrified.

2010.

2010-01-06T00:06:00.000-08:00

Alright, so we all know how fast this past decade has gone by. There's no fooling ourselves here, this one is probably going to go by even faster. My nieces are already 1 and 3, my sister turned 18, and my father is getting married in August. I am just really thrown off by all the things that have happened in 2009!

Today I was hanging out with my sister-in-law and nieces, and I had this really scary thought. As I was pushing Claire on the swings, I remembered being that little. With an innocent mind, a huge heart, and such trust and faith in everyone. No one could ever lie to me. No one could ever hurt me. I could do anything I wanted to and not be told that it was impossible.

Then I thought how fast it went by.

When you are little you can't wait to be older. Old enough to see PG-13 movie, to drive, to stay out without your parents past curfew, to drink. It seems like having that freedom to live as an adult is the most relieving thing in the world. But as you grow, you have all the responsibilities and stresses of life thrown onto your shoulders. You now know the difference between right and wrong, so when you do something wrong you don't have the excuse of saying you didn't know any better and you no longer are innocent. And to make it even better, when you become a teenager, you instantly are thrown into the group of your reckless and rebellious peers that make the future of our generation look bleak. You have to focus on school and a career so you can get your own life started.

But isn't it so much better to have not one care in the world? To truly believe that your friends and family will always tell you the truth, no boy or girl will ever be yet another person in your life to break your heart, or to dream of being an astronaut or famous movie star and not being told you can't do it?

When I was 6, all I ever talked about was being 16.

and now I just wish I could go back to being 6.

Life has just slipped right through my fingers and the past 16 years feel like nothing.

I am so terrified about the future and what life is going to throw at me at any moment.

If 16 years have gone by this fast...how fast will 2010 go by when the next thing I know I'm preparing to graduate high school and start real life?

I'm finally beginning to feel content.

2009-09-04T00:03:00.000-07:00

So in my previous blogs, I wrote about how unhappy I was and how being away from civilization was really affecting me negatively. Since then, my mom has gotten a job in orange county, we've moved into a new house, and Dani and I have started school doing independent studies.

Now my mom's new job wasnt working out. Her boss was a nightmare, it was too easy and waaaay boring, and she didnt think it was worth the smaller pay. So she quit, before her boss could beat her to the punch because getting fired would NOT look good. So now she's just doing the teaching job in Ontario on the weekends, and she's kind of worried about money.

However, regardless of our finances, I feel so at ease with life. I actually feel full. I know God will take care of us, because we wouldnt have been able to move down here if it wasnt His plan and I know she's going to find a job sooner than later. I'm so confident that this year, will actually be a good one. It's crazy how good I feel lately. I'm always smiling, laughing, in a great mood...it's wonderful. I even met a guy that I'm really interested in haha. I do miss my dad, nieces, brother and sister-in-law, but I know I will see them no matter what. I just feel like I'm going to make friends, get closer to the friends I already have, and just be happy again. I just feel peace rushing over me every morning, which is so odd because not even a month ago, I was so nervous and stressed all the time.

I would like to ask for constant prayer though, just so that it stays this way. It would mean the world to me and my mom and Dani would greatly appreciate it as well.

<33

so which is it...sidewinder or wolverine?

2009-06-12T18:40:00.000-07:00

so dani and i absolutely hate salinas. we're bored, have no friends, and our house is so far out of town that we cant walk anywhere to make our own fun. sooo..my mom has been looking for jobs elsewhere. at first she was looking in orange county again, because we just love it there.

BUT...since dani and i came to our dad's to visit and i realized how hard it would be on me personally to be like 8 hours away from my nieces and my dad. and coincidentally, my mom called while we were at my brother's and said she's been getting job offers from SLO and she's thinking about getting that started. then we can take my dad's house when he moves in with his fiancee and be close to everyone and we'd most likely be going to san luis high.

so i'm really torn.

san luis is my hometown, but rancho is where i was pretty much raised.

and i have so many friends in oc, including my BEST friend jordan and the guy i like.

so this is where i ask myself...close friends or family?

san luis sidewinder or aliso niguel wolverine??

gay guys vs. women?

2009-04-30T15:50:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I'm a Chris Crocker fan. Not his political "hater" videos, but his funny ones. So I was going through some funny sounding ones on youtube, and found one titled "Gay Guys vs. Women."
I opened this, thinking maybe it'll be funny or something. And this guy really pissed me off.

One of the first things he says is, "Women think they have it so hard because of child birth and PMS. But let me tell you, gay guys have it way worse. I have to shave my face everyday and take out my hair extensions everynight." Then he goes and says something oh-so-very-wrong..."I am more dedicated to my appearance than any mother is to her child."

WHAAA WHAAAAT?!
you have GOT to be kidding!

The only reason he "has" to shave and take out his extensions is because he chooses to look like a chick, am I right? Child birth is statistically proven to be one of the most painful experiences AND 76% of men have said that they couldnt handle it. Gay guys dont have to go through pain in the ass cramps or their boobs developing and hurting constantly in the process. Not to mention everyone in elementary/middle school noticing that "those werent there last year.." and pretty much every guy (which, we all know how they think) talking about it when you walk in the room.
Every mom I have ever known would die for their kid. I'm pretty sure, if it came down to it, he would not die just to look "beautiful" 24/7. It disgusted me that he said that.

Am I right, or is this totally in my head?

Ok, so I was wrong...yet again.

2009-01-30T00:22:00.000-08:00

So my sister and I moved last Saturday to Salinas with my mom and we took our acessment tests at our new "school." And so far I'm having this weird feeling in my stomach. A knot, I guess I'd say. I already missed my friends in Bakersfield, but now on top of that I miss Orange County. Seeing my best friend have to say goodbye...yet again...made me think. I really hope this is what God's plan was. And it better be good!

it's like choosing between rice and beans...they just go together.

2009-01-09T19:10:00.000-08:00

Sooo...it's been quite some time since I've been on here, and plenty has happened in such a short time. My niece just turned 2 last Saturday. I cant even believe how big she is. Seems like last month she was a tiny baby. Also, my brother Lane and his wife have had another baby girl, Faye. She is beautiful and probably one of thee nicest babies ever. She smiles so much at everyone and she hardly ever cries. My other brother, Jeremy, has just announced that his wife is pregnant...with their 3rd child. I have no idea how people do it. It's scary to think that this will probably happen to me someday...of course, I doubt I'll be as good at it as they are.

Aside from all the new members of the family, things have been so chaotic. Over winter break, my sister and I realized how much different we are from the So-Cal crowd. It's definitely not our scene. So, we have decided to move to our mom's in Monterey, Ca. We'll be closer to our dad, brother, and nieces, we'll have more room and less clutter, and we'll finally have normal lives...well, as normal as our lives get anyway. I am utterly stoked about this. We have been through our share of, what we call, crap. And though it could've been worse, it also could've been better. I just cannot wait to try this out and see how it goes.

My Life: The Reader's Digest version.

2008-09-14T12:05:00.000-07:00

Ok, so this summer my life changed completely. Totally flipped around. My sister moved to Arroyo Grande with my dad, I'm living with my aunt in Rancho Santa Margarita, and my mom accepted a job offer in Monterey until she can get one in Orange County, where I am. So not only was I without my best friend (my sister), but I wasn't going to live with my mom. Obviously, I was upset about the separation, but I figured this was happening for a reason.

On top of that, I was now going to go to a public school, which I haven't been to since elementary school.. and that elementary school was very small and I had known those kids since I was seven when it didn't matter to introduce yourself, because children dont think about if you're a freak or not. I was half expecting my new high school to be welcoming and friendly. But I was starting as a sophomore, not a freshman. So unlike the rest of the new kids, I didn't know anyone from middle school that I could talk to, have lunch with, or talk to in class. No one to make me feel comfortable. So I'm on week two of school, with nobody to talk to except for a few freshman, who I never really see anyway. I know it's only the 2nd week of school, but I do not like it. Hopefully things will get a bit better, but I'm not that worried about it because, if things go according to plan, I will only be there for 4 months.

In December, I have an audition at the school my bestfriend since infancy goes to, Orange County School of the Arts(OCSCHA) in Santa Ana, and if I get accepted I will be starting the second semester there in January after winter break. I could take the train/bus with my bestfriend to and from school. I would greatly appreciate it if you all could pray that I get accepted. I cannot spend another day at that school alone. It's time to be around people, I think.
People I know and recognize.
And also, that my mom gets a job offer down here soon so I can live with her but still be in Orange County and life can go back to the way it was. Please and thank you.

-Nikki