A.D.U.L.T.H.O.O.D.

Quick update: I turned 18 last Friday...and whoa, is it weird.
I didn't feel like I was another year older, but I definitely felt old haha.
I thought about everything in my life that I can really vividly remember and it feels like it was a lifetime ago. I'm relieved, but still really weirded out by the whole thing.

Anyway, for my birthday, I will be getting a blue 2008 Ford Focus next weekend.
It's 35 MPG with less than 46, 500 miles on it. It seriously is so pretty and I cannot wait.
I also am getting a tattoo on the inner part of my left arm. Pictures will be posted.
For now, here is my car<3

New Year...finally.

Sooo 2010 is almost over, thank GOD. This year has been filled with craziness and chaos. Eventful, but horrible. And to my relief the new year is rolling in rapidly. Most of the events, however, were not pointless. God definitely changed things to wake me up and open my eyes to so many things. I was just going down an awful spiral and didn't even know how bad it was because of the desensitization going on in my life. Not just with me, with everyone I surrounded myself with. Which it was probably much more noticeable to everyone else because I've always been such a passionate person, and all the sudden nothing affected me anymore. I realized that I have never wanted to be that girl that lives her life without a care in the world what happens to myself or the people I love...so why would I start now? It definitely was the opposite route I wanted my life to go in. So with God's help, my family's help, and my friend's help, I finally stopped. They were there the whole time just trying to make me see, and I'm sooo glad they were.

Now for a recap of all the crazy things that happened this year:
#1. partying.
#2. not eating.
#3. seeing the dark things in life, instead of the light shining through.
#4. my horrible grades and GPA. affected me in the long run :/
#5. practicing God's love and God's word, let alone sharing it.
#6. caring about superficial and material things.
#7. putting my own needs in front of others'...and in front of what I knew was right.
#8. holding onto soooo much anger and resentment.
#9. moving to Prunedale, Ca.
#10. putting my dog down when she was young and perfectly healthy.
#11. Dani leaving for college...man, oh man.
#12. not speaking to one of my favorite people for almost 3 months for silly reasons.
#13. the rift between me and my immediate family.
#14. my close cousin's dog dying about a week after Thanksgiving.
#15. their other dog dying while I was visiting for Christmas vacation on Christmas Eve.
(one of the WORST things I've ever seen)
#16. and though it is last, it's the thing that affected me the most...losing so many friends.

And all the good things:
#1. the fun I had, even though it ended up being worse than better.
#2. learning so many lessons.
#3. being able to live near my best friend for the first time in 16 years.
#4. finally being able to spend the night at her house!
#5. learning what love IS, and what it IS NOT.
#6. speaking my mind and ridding the bad friends of my life, even though I lost good ones too.
#7. getting closer with my brother and his girls. all I've wanted for the longest time.
#8. all the shows and Disneyland trips!!!
#9. staying active and keeping up my vegetarian diet! (it wasn't that easy!)
#10. and learning, in the end, to just be honest.

Wow...super eventful, but more bad than good.
Let's all hope for a MUCH better 2011.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

tattoo

So I haven't posted it because my family didn't know, but now that it's out in the open: I GOT A TATTOO! For my 17th birthday I was surprised with a black bunny named JackieQ and...ink haha! Everyone either loves it or absolutely hates it. People have implied that it looks trashy, but I couldn't care less. I love it and I got it...nothing can be done about it now haha. It does have meaning, it's very personal and I don't really feel like spilling my guts on here, but I will say that basically, my heart is on lockdown. I put thought into it and it really means a lot to me and I love my little tattoo. I was suuper happy to get it and there's no reason I should be upset or anything but completely pleased with it. This photo is black and white, but the color is so vibrant and pretty. The lock is blue and the outline around the lock hole is red and yellow and it looks pretty antique, and the key is gold...of course haha. And yes, there is more detail than from what you can see in this picture. I do plan on getting more, but not until I'm 18 and can pay for a really nice one. So...just wanted to kinda announce these news! I'm super stoked on it :D

another year, another box.

Since my last entry, a lot has gone down. My boyfriend broke up with me, I've lost many friends, prom passed and finals week is well on it's way. Another big change...we're moving again.
My mom accepted the job offer at her old hospital in Salinas because they pay more for a reasonable amount of work. She dropped the news on me about 3 weeks ago when she got home from work and told me we're going to be living in Carmel Valley by August.

I get out of school this coming wednesday, June 23rd.
I was informed last week that I'd be attending Carmel Valley High...on August 11th.

Am I overreacting, or does that not suck? Seriously.
Everyone else in high school gets a 3 month vacation...I get less than ONE.


So I weighed out the pros and cons of moving up there and had a long talk with my best friends about. There are waaay more pros to living up there...but it doesn't urge me to want to be up there at all. In fact, it makes it worse. All of the things I could think of... the shows, the beaches, the theme parks...all of it is way better down here. Not to mention this is where I actually know people. It should be exciting and I should tell myself that this is my chance to start my life over and reinvent myself as a person...but it doesn't make it any easier.

The one year I finally get to live close to my best friend of 15 years, I have to move again. While I am so greatful for this year, it's harder now than it was in past years. That was what I was used to, so being away was normal. But now, we've gotten closer than ever and it almost feels like I was never hours and hours away for the majority of our friendship. It makes it so hard to leave and have to let go of this amazingly fun, eventful year we got to spend together. And to top it all off, Dani is graduating on Wednesday, and while she'll be with me until August 28th, she's going to Life Pacific College in San Dimas. So, while yes, I am used to moving...I'm not used to lving without my sister. My best friend. Any time I've been "home alone" or walking around town when no one could hang out, I had Dani. Now I actually WILL be alone. And it is the worst, scariest feeling I've ever had. I do not know what to do or how to handle this. I feel every emotion possible, yet I've been trying to keep all emotion out of it so I can just be logical and get over it since there is nothing I can do. Now that it's just around the corner...it's the only thing I think about and I can't help but get major anxiety. I'm praying for God to give me peace and let me know everything will be fine and lay it all at his feet, but I'm terrified.

2010.

Alright, so we all know how fast this past decade has gone by. There's no fooling ourselves here, this one is probably going to go by even faster. My nieces are already 1 and 3, my sister turned 18, and my father is getting married in August. I am just really thrown off by all the things that have happened in 2009! 

Today I was hanging out with my sister-in-law and nieces, and I had this really scary thought. As I was pushing Claire on the swings, I remembered being that little. With an innocent mind, a huge heart, and such trust and faith in everyone. No one could ever lie to me. No one could ever hurt me. I could do anything I wanted to and not be told that it was impossible. 

Then I thought how fast it went by. 

When you are little you can't wait to be older. Old enough to see PG-13 movie, to drive, to stay out without your parents past curfew, to drink. It seems like having that freedom to live as an adult is the most relieving thing in the world. But as you grow, you have all the responsibilities and stresses of life thrown onto your shoulders. You now know the difference between right and wrong, so when you do something wrong you don't have the excuse of saying you didn't know any better and you no longer are innocent. And to make it even better, when you become a teenager, you instantly are thrown into the group of your reckless and rebellious peers that make the future of our generation look bleak. You have to focus on school and a career so you can get your own life started.

But isn't it so much better to have not one care in the world? To truly believe that your friends and family will always tell you the truth, no boy or girl will ever be yet another person in your life to break your heart, or to dream of being an astronaut or famous movie star and not being told you can't do it? 

When I was 6, all I ever talked about was being 16. 

and now I just wish I could go back to being 6.

Life has just slipped right through my fingers and the past 16 years feel like nothing.

I am so terrified about the future and what life is going to throw at me at any moment. 

If 16 years have gone by this fast...how fast will 2010 go by when the next thing I know I'm preparing to graduate high school and start real life? 

I'm finally beginning to feel content.

So in my previous blogs, I wrote about how unhappy I was and how being away from civilization was really affecting me negatively. Since then, my mom has gotten a job in orange county, we've moved into a new house, and Dani and I have started school doing independent studies.

Now my mom's new job wasnt working out. Her boss was a nightmare, it was too easy and waaaay boring, and she didnt think it was worth the smaller pay. So she quit, before her boss could beat her to the punch because getting fired would NOT look good. So now she's just doing the teaching job in Ontario on the weekends, and she's kind of worried about money.

However, regardless of our finances, I feel so at ease with life. I actually feel full. I know God will take care of us, because we wouldnt have been able to move down here if it wasnt His plan and I know she's going to find a job sooner than later. I'm so confident that this year, will actually be a good one. It's crazy how good I feel lately. I'm always smiling, laughing, in a great mood...it's wonderful. I even met a guy that I'm really interested in haha. I do miss my dad, nieces, brother and sister-in-law, but I know I will see them no matter what. I just feel like I'm going to make friends, get closer to the friends I already have, and just be happy again. I just feel peace rushing over me every morning, which is so odd because not even a month ago, I was so nervous and stressed all the time.


I would like to ask for constant prayer though, just so that it stays this way. It would mean the world to me and my mom and Dani would greatly appreciate it as well.


<33

so which is it...sidewinder or wolverine?

so dani and i absolutely hate salinas. we're bored, have no friends, and our house is so far out of town that we cant walk anywhere to make our own fun. sooo..my mom has been looking for jobs elsewhere. at first she was looking in orange county again, because we just love it there. 

BUT...since dani and i came to our dad's to visit and i realized how hard it would be on me personally to be like 8 hours away from my nieces and my dad. and coincidentally, my mom called while we were at my brother's and said she's been getting job offers from SLO and she's thinking about getting that started. then we can take my dad's house when he moves in with his fiancee and be close to everyone and we'd most likely be going to san luis high.

so i'm really torn.

san luis is my hometown, but rancho is where i was pretty much raised.

and i have so many friends in oc, including my BEST friend jordan and the guy i like.

so this is where i ask myself...close friends or family?

san luis sidewinder or aliso niguel wolverine??